2 Ağustos 2014 Cumartesi

First day of broke up

So to make it short. My boy friend broke up with me via email. We were dating for 2 years and 2 months.
Everything seemed normal. He was giving me a lot of attention. I had a three day exam. He was waking up early giving me a ride, coming for lunch bringing me food. Then dinner. He was nice. Yesterday night we went out. I wanted to my place because i was deadly tired. He had to pick up some one from airport. I called my parents talked to them. Then I called him. He said he was back home. He told me that he will come for breakfast tomorrow but around 1.00 pm I said ok.

In the morning I woke up around 7.00 am. I felt so gross. I start cleaning the apartment. I waited until 12.30. I was wondering why he still did not call. Mistakenly I drink milk and it was bad.I had stomach. Before calling him I decided to take a shower. Then  my phone ringed. I thought thats him but it was just a friend. Then I walked my laptop somehow and I saw my boy friends email.

I was thinking that so he woke up... sent me sth now I can call him.
but then I open the email. and it reads like this,

 I have thought and prayed and I have made my final decision. Our relationship as it is has to end. I don't love you as much as you love me. I care for you a lot, but I don't want to marry you, and I want to move on with my life. I am 33 years old and I need to find someone to marry. I didn't want to break your heart while you were studying for the bar. So I did my best to provide you the best support possible, and I really wish you pass it and succeed in life. You are always successful. I will be out of LA for a few days. No one knows where I am, I don't even know where in going. My phone will be turned off. I am sorry I'm doing it this way, but I tried talking to you before and it didn't work out. The sooner we separate the better for both of us. I will not claim our common friends. Our common friends will still be your friends. None of them knows of what I'm doing, except ..........They will probably think I'm an asshole, but I don't care what anybody thinks, I am being selfish now. You are free to take your things from my apartment. It will be hard to see you for a while but I hope some day we'd be friends again. And I wish you happiness.

I sit down on the same coach for 5 hours without doing anything. I talked to some friends. I did not try to call him.

Then I opened my facebook because tonight we supposed to go a birthday party.  then I checked his page to see our picture together I could not see it.  after 3 seconds his profile lost .I guessed at the same time he was checking fb too. So he did not just delete me he blocked me.

One of my friends told me are you sure thats him. :S

I was waiting him to come to eat so I am still hungary. I guess I waited him to come around 6.00.. Then I left to one of my friends apartment.

She was telling me how hard was her 2 weeks boy friend broke up.
I  wrote to craiglist to sublease my room. I guess I will go to my home country. Flights are so expensive now around 1600. I have to pay my rent as well. At the end I am just a student ...
 the men i loved my hero left me .... just like that

i walk back my room took of his pictures from my wall.
I just dont want to go his apartment. It is just 0.5 miles  far to mine. If I see that he took of my pictures it will hearth me a lot. I did not even know that he knows how to block people from fb.

I did not go to a bar or drink. I walked near the beach. the first place he hold my hand and told me that he wants to love again...
Probably right now he is saying this to someone else....
I want to love again.....
It is tragic that he broke up with his ex- girl friend via skype ( 4 years relationship)  on her birthday and in one month he met with me and fell in love with me.( yeah he is an asshole )

I knew someday it will be my day.

I am still under shock I still love him. He was so nice to me and I really loved him

After this cold email and him blocking me from his fb. I guess he is very clear on what he thinks.
I guess he does not love me.

I dont know how to feel or what to do.

I feel that he cant give up loving me. I deeply feel he loves me ..Am i crazy ? He brokes up me via email  without any reason and I am still thinking that he loves me....

I just wanted to have a nice day today. I was studying for the bar for last 3 months One day to relax.
Anyways I am still tired from the bar. So I cant even get anrgy  to him
Maybe he felt that i will fail again :)

Probably he is in vegas or san diego with a girl having so much fun tonight. I am not going to be the one crying at home. You never know maybe he took the cruise with friends .. He was telling me one of his friend going vegas tonigt and invited him.

Yesterday we planned a  2 day vacation together. We were talking about who will take care of our kids.
I dont want to be a drama queen and I dont want to cry.

I will show my room to 5 girls tomorrow. then I will buy my flight ticket! wish me good luck....